JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not
see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you
love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love
you even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you
may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite
of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God
was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because
I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name shall be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After awhile it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said.
"Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he
believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with
him forever and who will see him as he truly is. The companion will remind him of his
flaws and limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam
gazed into Cat's eyes he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned
humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't
really give a shit one way or the other.
The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the
trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a
day".
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little
"M"'s on them. And Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Ponderables
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms
Its not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Drain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE missing - Insert cup and press ANY KEY
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together this list try and give
the faculty a sense of the mind set of that year's incoming freshman. Each year the staff
at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together this list try and give the faculty a sense of
the mind set of that year's incoming freshman.
1.The people starting college this fall across the nation were born in1980.
2.They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and did not know he had ever been
shot
3.They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4.Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5.There has only been one Pope. They can only remember one president.
6.They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War
7.They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a
movie.
8.They are too young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger blowing up.
9.Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10.They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
11.Bottle caps have not always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no
idea what a pull top can looks like.
12.Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13.The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14.They have never owned a record player.
15.They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
16.Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17.There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there
used to be beige ones?
18.They may never have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never heard
or seen one.
19.The compact disc was introduced when they were one year old.
20.As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21.They have always had an answering machine.
22.Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black &
white TV.
23.They have always had cable.
24.There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.
25.They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26.They were born the year Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27.Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28.The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29.They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30.Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
31.They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football
player.
32.They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33.The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI and WWII or even the Civil
War.
34.They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35.They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36.They don't know who More was or where he was from.
37.They never heard the terms "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel" or "de plane, de plane!"
38.They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39.The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40.Michael Jackson has always been white.
41.Kansas, Boston, Chicago, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
42.McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
43.There has always been MTV, and it has always included non-musical shows.
44.Cars came with a standard transmission and an automatic transmission was an expensive
option
You might be a Yankee if...
The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you.
You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping
trip. Ever.
For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You've never had bangs.
You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get His own TV fishing
show.
You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".
You think more money should go to important scientific research at
Your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. Or prefer a bagel over
a donut.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you. None of your fur coats are made
with real fur.
You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.
You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chowdah."
You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year. Everything you know about the
Civil War you
learned watching TV.
You don't "reckon".
You're not "fixin" to do anything.
You don't carry a pocketknife.
You don't know how to sharpen a knife to a razors edge.
You own 2 guns or less.
SPOD (Stupid People O' the Day)
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control
center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no
need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right
away.
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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided o steal a life raft from
one of the 747s.They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they
took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard
helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
They are no longer employed there.
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT.
While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class,
"You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty
much the end of, learning for that day.
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of
Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g., "I have a customer
in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female
voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by
the balls in toys who needs assistance."
SMART ONES -A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one
day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem, a 10 year old boy
was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading
"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
True story This guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in the bag, the robber saw a
bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe
you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out
of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave them the name and address
of the robber which he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Subject: A TEXAN LOOKS AT Y2K
Friends, I am pleased to announce that the greatly feared Y2K disaster has been averted by
some good ole boys in Texas. A missonary friend in British Columbia sent me the following
very funny piece (yes, he is a Texan) --
_______________________
A TEXAN LOOKS AT Y2K
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through
every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all
data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the
change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your
new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,
November, December
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has
made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to
help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of
which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from
99 to 00? We'll await your direction."
Thanks
Darwin Award
Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1999 Darwin Award
winner!
As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the
gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).
The 1999 nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to
break former girlfriend's windshield, Accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Bums, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was
killed in March as he was trying to repair what Police Described as a "farm-type
truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however and the other man found Bums "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to
death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which
discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating The safety of windows in a
downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors
to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the
building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of
window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are
being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on
his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the
right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the
poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been
opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom.
According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating
"this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird
posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a
murder conviction before having His Sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on
a metal Toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into wire and
was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered
fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check
the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his
face, sheriff's investigator said. Gregory David Pryer, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber
muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the
barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony
of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his
death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said
Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and
he went over the balcony," Honer said.
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.9! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State
Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident
shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Are and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of
Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Are after a frog-gigging trip. On an
overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men
concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a
replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his
pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting
the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on
eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and
just before crossing the river the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck
Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement
and striking a tree.
Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery
to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his ball off or we
might both be dead" stated Wallis." "I've been a trooper for ten years in
this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would
admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck,
Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them
from the truck.